This is episode 154 of the Absolute Mind podcasts and today I am covering how to save a failing relationship.
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I've decided to do this podcast as its come through from our Facebook audience and I hate the thought of relationships failing when they don't need to when all it needs is a little bit of work from both parties! Now don't get me wrong sometimes relationships can just naturally come to an end and both parties amicably agree to end their relationship.
So if your relationship is going through a bad stage at the minute don't throw the towel in just yet hopefully today's podcast can help you to turn it around and start afresh with your loved one.
Having a solid loving relationship is one of life's greatest joys. To have somebody in your life who you deeply love and build each other up can give the foundation of a meaningful life. But the truth of it is relationships don't just take care of themselves, they need work from both parties each and every day. relationships require commitment, self-awareness, willingness to change and grow and listen. You need to learn to shift from a thought pattern of "me" to "us" when you enter a relationship.
Relationships can survive life's ups and downs but when it comes down to behaviours and patterns is when it can have a more damaging effect on our relationships. Through my years as a therapist, I have seen many behaviours and patterns that would instantly raise alarm bells in a relationship that cause lasting damage and create lasting resentment.
Here are some of the behaviours I have come across and how you can begin to make some changes to save your relationship.
Damaging Behaviours And Patterns
- Selfishness - Being selfish in a relationship can cause resentment and a feeling of unloved or uncared for by the other partner. Focusing on your own needs and not taking into consideration what they may want, need or desire can create this barrier between two people.
- Unbalanced - When a relationship is unbalanced meaning one person always makes the decision on how money is spent or one partners extended family is always priority this can damage the ties that hold you together as a unit/partnership. Marriage and committed relationships are all about the partnership of two people, uniting two people as a couple and when this sense of partnership is tarnished this weakens that bond. When you disregard your partner's needs or wishes it signals a lack of respect for that person.
- Not making the relationship a priority - When you enter a committed relationship, you have to start thinking differently and making the relationship a priority over certain things. Even when kids come along we must make our relationship a priority, after all a loving relationship and loving family life is important for your children to see, and not a family life full of resentment and arguments. Nights out with friends need a little more of a thought process and a discussion with our partners to show consideration for their feelings too.
- Anger - It is normal for a couple to have discussions or heated conversations but when they result in raised voices, shouting and arguing is when it can begin to break down a relationship. In a relationship you should be able to discuss your feelings calmly and effectively so that voices don't need to be raised, doors slammed and so on.
- Infidelity - Now this is something that I have found comes along with a relationship that is failing somewhere along the lines, generally infidelity happens because there is something lacking in the relationship and not always physically. A lack of emotional needs being met, simple compliments not being said, physical embraces not happening can lead to infidelity. However, a relationship doesn't need to get to this stage if you can correct all of the smaller steps that lead up to this stage.
As you can see there are many ways in which a relationship can fail but you can stop it, it doesn't have to get to the dreaded infidelity stage, there doesn't need to be arguments with raised voices, resentment doesn't need to be a part of your life! If you want to save your relationship and get back to appreciating your loved one then here are a few tips you can try to hopefully get your relationship back on track.
How Can You Save Your Relationship?
- Talk - Be aware of your partner's wishes, sit down and discuss with your partner what you both want out of your relationship. Be open and honest with both emotional and physical intimate desires that you want, we are not mind readers so can't guess what each other wants.
- Make it equal - Everything in a relationship should be equal, housework, kids, money, activities, all of these things should be discussed and planned equally. It shouldn't be one person making all decisions whilst the other just plods along behind, you are a unit and you should work together in just that way united!
- Prioritise - Your relationship needs to be a priority, now I'm not saying that you should drop your friends and no longer enjoy your time doing what you like. But when you are in a relationship a simple discussion with your partner about possible plans coming up with friends could save that resentment building.
- Calm down - With any disagreement, it's important to respond calmly, if you have a disagreement with your partner sit down and discuss it together calmly. Let them know what they did that upset you, how you felt, where you both go from there also take on board each other's points and discuss how you can overcome the problem together. This calm way of dealing with things in a relationship can make you a solid couple knowing that there is no need for shouting, raised voices, ager doors slamming because you speak to each other.
- Intimacy - It's natural for a relationship to go through a dip in intimacy levels, but the less you are intimate the less you get the desire. Make a conscious effort to take time out together and be close and intimate just like the first few months of your relationship, it doesn't have to be complete intimacy, a simple embrace, a kiss, a gentle touch anything to keep you connected on an intimate level helps to keep that spark alive. If you find yourself tempted to go astray STOP, look at your relationship and try to figure why you're feeling this way, what can you change to make you feel loved, wanted, respected, appreciated again?
- Switch off - We are unfortunately at a stage where our phones, pads, tv, media has taken over our lives and it's having a drastic impact on our relationships. It saddens me when I go for a meal with my husband and look around to see couples on their phones taking no notice of each other! Turn them off, put them away, social media, emails, all of these things that distract us from whats in front of us are damaging our relationships. Try having a ban for a few hours a day and fully embrace time with your partner, notice things about your partner again that you forgot. You'd be surprised just how much time we spend looking at our phones and not our partners.
So there you have it! Give these a try and put some effort into your relationship before throwing the towel in, it can be saved you just have to work at it. Reationships dont have to be hard work they just need some work.
If you feel you need more help with your relationship issues please do look for your local relationship counsellor and try to work together on the issues you're facing, excluding your partner and not talking to each other only causes more issues.